


Benevolence

by 1more4me



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode Fix-it, M/M, Post-Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27669016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1more4me/pseuds/1more4me
Summary: Dean goes for a drive the day after Jack healed the world.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Benevolence

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story I'm posting on this site, English is not my first language but I wanted to get my ideas on the characters out there after watching the show end.  
> Thanks for reading!

It was the first day after the dust had settled. The first morning after Jack had restored the world with his benevolence.

And it started like any other morning had for months with a nagging headache that woke Dean from his restless sleep. An empty beer bottle clattered to the floor when he reached for the clock on his nightstand to check the time. He overslept by an hour.

Frowning, Dean slowly climbed out of bed, and somehow found himself unsure of how to proceed. Should he get dressed first? Or just grab his robe? Take a shower? Jumbled images of the dream he'd had right before waking up ghosted through his mind, distracting him further from his next course of action.

He remembered seeing Cas's face flashing up among clouded views of long, empty hallways. The two of them stuck in a labyrinth of brick walls, running from a great threat and searching for each other. He also remembered being outside, standing on a parking lot next to Sam, and looking up at a tall building to glimpse Cas staring down at him through a large window. Dean gave a slight shake of his head, trying to push the images away, back into a hidden corner in his subconscious. There was no point in pondering the meaning of his dreams, they were nothing but shadows from the past of which he had plenty. Inconsequential.

Nonetheless, the echo of that particular nightmare stayed with him as he finally decided to take a shower first, then get dressed and head for the kitchen. Sam was sitting at the table, reading something on his laptop. He looked up when Dean sat down opposite him with a plate of breakfast in hand. They engaged in their usual morning chatter, Sam had found a potential case but needed to do more research before being sure. They went over the details Sam had gathered so far when Dean suddenly found it hard to swallow. Out of nowhere, his body went tense. His gaze dropped to his nearly empty plate, deep lines crinkling his forehead. Sam naturally noticed the shift immediately.

"You okay?", he asked, worry taking shape on his face too quickly.

Dean forced the last of his breakfast down and got up right after, now in a hurry to clean up his plate. He put the dishes away and took fast steps towards the stairs.

"Yeah, I just need some air.", he replied tersely while climbing the stairs and added before opening the door, "I'm gonna go for a drive. Call me if something comes up."

Sam watched the scene play out without getting another word in but remained sitting still at the table. He figured his brother wanted to sort this one out with himself like he usually did. And they hadn't really had a moment to just breathe once it all ended again either. He focused back on his reading and released a deep breath through his nose.

Outside the bunker, Dean pulled the car keys from the pocket of his jacket and got into the car just as quickly as he had walked up the stairs. Hesitation was replaced by urgency as he started the engine and took to the road. His body was still acting strange, his pulse raised and his fingers grasping the steering wheel too tightly. He came to the conclusion that he may be having a panic attack. Dean tried to calm his breathing, tried to focus on the beautiful sight of the forest he was driving through, illuminated by the morning sun. But in his mind, the dream was rearing its head again.

Cas and he were running down a hallway, cutting a corner into darkness, suddenly trapped, and Cas looked at him hopelessly. Blue eyes wide and hands taking hold of Dean's collar. His lips were moving but Dean couldn't hear what he said, he just held onto Castiel in return, desperate, both of them now leaning against the wall. Then Cas smiled and gently pulled Dean forward, angling his head to erase the distance.

Dean slammed on the brakes and the Impala screeched to a halt at the side of the road, leaving a jagged skidmark on the asphalt.

Another heartbeat later, he exited the car and threw the door shut. He put both of his hands on the roof for support, eyes darting through the pictures in his head before he closed them with a grimace, his fingers curling into fists.

He did not want to go there. Not ever.

But the thoughts were intrusive and unrelenting.

His heartbeat rushed in his ears and his muscles ached from the persistent tension, ushering in a renewed headache. Dean resisted the impulse to punch down on the car but craved some sort of physical release, something painful and shattering to bring him back to the here and now.

He opened his eyes and stared straight ahead, catching sight of something glistening through the trees. The grimace remained as he walked around the car and towards the treeline. As he got closer, he realized what he saw was the surface of a lake shimmering in the morning light.

Trying to keep from thinking as much as he could, Dean headed deeper into the forest until he reached the lakeshore.

Leaves crackled under his boots and gentle waves spilled on the sand, a scene so peaceful when he felt anything but.

No, for Dean the beauty of it all was painful. Because the world went on as if nothing had happened.

As if his best friend hadn't sacrificed everything for him yet again. As if Cas hadn't left him with the biggest burden of having to live with the truth.

"How could you do this to me.", Dean heard himself utter. "How could you put this on me and just leave."

Green eyes cast a sorrowful gaze across the lake, the glint of tears appearing at the edges. 

"Why do you get a heroic out, huh? No longer having to worry about a damn thing you did."

Dean sniffled when the drops spilled, hollow anger resonating in his voice. He sat down on the sand with a sigh, resting his arms on his knees.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. You weren't supposed to... fall for me."

Even just saying it out loud here, all by himself in the middle of nowhere, Dean couldn't help but squirm. The discomfort almost made him want to get up and walk away again. But suppressing his thoughts on this made him physically ill and he knew it wouldn't stop until he found some kind of closure. It was either talking to his lost friend by the side of a random lake or drinking himself into oblivion.

"I didn't even get the time to tell you... I never thought of us that way... you were my friend, Cas. My family. But of course I..."

Dean swallowed around the lump in his throat, tears now falling freely from his eyes.

"I'm not even sure I could love anyone anymore the way you love me. What does that kind of love even look like, Cas?"

The image of their almost kiss flared up in his mind again. In the dream, it had felt real, there had been no resistance but in his awake state, Dean recoiled from the idea in fear.

"I don't think it's something I would dare to risk. Not that it makes a difference now. Not that I even got a choice."

A bitter laugh shook his chest for a moment before the corners of his mouth turned downwards.

"It's not something I would've risked to fuck up. If I couldn't give you what you wanted, I'd rather not try at all. But that doesn't mean..."

Dean bit his lip, still insecure but with a sudden surge of conviction, he went on.

"... it doesn't mean I don't love you. I really, really just need you to know that."

His voice nearly cracked on the last words and he quickly wiped the tears from his face, fumbling for composure.

"If I had a wish free, for us. I would just want you back with me, not the way we were but easier. Without the... constrictions. Beyond what angels and humans are and all that. Fuck, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore."

The lake answered him with nothing but patiently rippling waves while Dean felt like he was breaking apart.

"Just if... if there had been some way... I wish we could go there without regrets. I wish I could give you that happiness. Because I love you."

The wind blowing through the treetops distantly reminded him of flapping wings and for a moment Dean glanced back over his shoulder despite himself.

Then he turned around completely because standing there behind him, like a figment of his imagination, was Castiel, gazing down at him with slightly parted lips and glistening blue eyes.

Dean scrambled to his feet, disbelief conquering his features.

"Cas?", he breathed, no strength left in his voice.

Castiel just kept looking at him, the lines of his face speaking of a strong emotion that Dean couldn't quite grasp. Something between sadness and elation.

"Cas...", Dean managed to say one more time before Castiel took his face in his hands and kissed him.

Dean's reddened eyes fell shut as soon as their lips touched. He leaned in a heartbeat later, pushing back gently against Cas, eliciting a sound close to a hum.

It all happened so fast again, and he felt too much all at once again but his body moved on instinct, swaying with Cas and putting his hands on his waist beneath the coat, holding him in place instead of moving away.

It was Cas who eventually broke the kiss by taking a step back, leaving Dean open-mouthed with a dazed expression, his hands now grasping at nothing.

The tranquil spell of the previous moment made way for renewed confusion as the two of them stared at each other in silence.

"I'm sorry. That was selfish.", Castiel murmured, averting his eyes to frown at the ground instead.

Dean released the breath that had been stuck in his lunges and shook his head.

"Jack freed me, gave me new wings. I wanted to see you but I wasn't sure it was right...", Castiel went on to explain while still not daring to look up.

"... then I heard what you said."

Blue eyes widened when fingers brushed against Castiel's cheek before settling on his jaw.

Dean cleared his throat as he moved in closer, nearly trembling with nervousness but refusing to run away from this any longer.

Their eyes met and he inhaled deeply through his nose, putting his thoughts into words.

"Then you heard that I don't know if I can do this. I still don't. But this feels...", he whispered as he caressed the side of Cas's face with his thumb.

"... I don't know if I can give you more than that. But if I can be selfish too... I would like you to stay anyway."

His voice threatened to break at the end there again but the wide-eyed relief with which Cas regarded him now was worth the embarrassment.

"I'd like that.", the angel replied quietly.

Dean gently bumped their foreheads together and smiled genuinely for the first time since the world had been restored by God's benevolence.


End file.
